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M u c h l o v e a n d E n c o u r a g e m e n t
Welcome to the blog! Here is where you'll get to know a lot about me. From my family dynamic, who my friends are, what tricks and tips I have for photography, and anything that we're doing to help improve our community. Learn more about our clients and their experience with us. I'm an open book
(pun very much intended)
April 3, 2017
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
~ Laurell K. Hamilton
It’s Monday and if you’re outside looking anything like mine here in good ole Wisconsin, then it’s pretty dreary and wet. I know that I have not written a blog in awhile, and I would like to take this time to sit down and share a few personal things with all of you. While I was still posting to my instagram account, I took a seat when it came to anything social media based for awhile. I feel as though since I view you all as family, then you would like to know why I suddenly just became pretty much “non-existent.”
Back in December, I was doing the question and answer segment for the blog, and I was getting questions that were a little personal and made me truly sit down and think about myself. If you know me personally, then you know that I am definitely a giver. I I have the tendency to make sure everyone else around me is doing and feeling great, but I tend to forget to take care of myself. This is nothing new, I have been doing this for 28 years and it is just how I am; but recently things changed, and I was not prepared for the wave of emotion that would be tagging along on the ride.
I was having the hardest time trying to stay the positive and happy person that I was being on social media. Not because I didn’t believe in any of the things that I was saying, but because at the moment, I was depressed inside. I felt as though I was being a hypocrite by encouraging others to be positive and keep moving forward, yet here I was in this state of mind that I couldn’t seem to get myself out of. I tried continuing to post but I got to the point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. At first I thought it was just for a week or two, then it turned into a month, then another month, and so on….
As I was trying to figure out what had me in such a mood, I had to end a 10 year relationship with someone I just knew was going to always be in my life. I was feeling guilty because in my head, I was convincing myself that I was abandoning that person and that was so very wrong. How could I be doing this? You’ve always been there, always willing to help, always caring, supporting, and doing everything in your power to make sure this person doesn’t feel alone and unloved. What I didn’t realize is that the more I was investing in making sure someone else was supported, it was my own mental health that was being effected the most. I wasn’t putting myself and my feelings first, so every time this person was hurting me, I wouldn’t speak up and I would just let it go (so I thought). Until one day it hit me……
I needed help, and I needed help fast…
“Today I woke up, and just like yesterday and the days before, I cried. And I cried, and I cried even more. Everyday I’ve found myself crying at least three times, out of nowhere. And I cry for at LEAST twenty minutes, if not more. I try to hold it in until I’m alone, because I don’t wan anyone to ask me ‘what’s wrong.’ I know that I will tell them ‘nothing,’ but I know exactly what’s wrong”
~ Feb 2, 2017 journal entry
Often times we find ourselves trapped in abusive relationships that don’t necessarily involve physical altercations, or even arguments for that matter. Any relationship that makes you feel less of a person, trapped with no other options, brings your mood down, and just turns you into a person you’re not happy with….that’s abuse. If you have talked to this person and have expressed how their actions make you feel, and they continue to do it….that’s when it’s time to let that relationship go and move forward. Now I know all of this, and I help people all the time with the same issues; but for some odd reason, when you’re the one needing to use your own advice, it’s suddenly the hardest thing in the world to do.
I knew this person was using me, abusing my kindness, consciously making decisions that they knew would hurt me. But what was I doing? Still trying to be there for them, and making sure they were okay. The minute everything was fine with the other aspect of their life (regardless of how brief that moment was) I was shut out and discarded, like a used tissue or something along those lines. My feelings would be hurt, I’d throw myself into work and working out so that I wouldn’t have to think about it, and every time my happiness came back….yup you guessed it, here they were again. Nowhere to turn, no friends to talk to, just here at my door needing me…AGAIN.
Eventually I realized that I just couldn’t and wouldn’t do this anymore. It was literally making me sick. I was feeling my body telling me that it was tired, it needed a break. I was sore every single day, some days were so bad I couldn’t even get out of bed. I wouldn’t want to eat, I was barely even drinking. I found myself just going through the motions, but I wasn’t feeling anything. Why? Because yet again, I went out of my way to help someone who claims to care so much about me; but in reality, they only cared about themselves. I actually was crying every day, for 20-30 minutes, at least 3 times. EVERY DAY….it was exhausting. I got to the point that I just went through my entire house and covered every mirror with newspaper, because I couldn’t stand to look at myself. Every time I saw my reflection, I would start sobbing. And I know that you’re probably thinking, “well what are you crying for? you didn’t do anything wrong.” You’re right, I hadn’t done anything wrong; nothing except love and support a person who wouldn’t do the same for me. So I felt that it was my fault. I must be a terrible and ugly person because there’s no other reason why I’m being treated this way right? I hated looking at myself. I hated seeing my bloodshot eyes, hearing me sniffle and sob for minutes on end. I figured that if I didn’t have to look at myself, I wouldn’t see the terrible person that I obviously am. Because you get back what you put into the world, and I was getting nothing but heartache and misery back. So my mindset changed, and I started thinking that I must not be beautiful, I must be heartless, inconsiderate, selfish, just this all around terrible person 🙁
After about two weeks of having no mirrors in my home, I was able to realize that I’m not the one with the problem. It’s not my fault that I have a big and kind heart, and it wasn’t something that I needed to change. What I needed to change was my relationship, and what I was willing to accept; so I did exactly that, even though it hurt like hell, I had to walk away from that toxic and nearly fatal situation. No one deserves to feel like they’re not meant to be alive. No one deserves to be taken advantage of. No one deserves to question what drastic measures should they have to go through in order to grab someone’s attention. No one deserves to have their cries for help ignored, even if they are trying so hard not to let them show.
While I was feeling a lot better after being done with this relationship, I still took some time off from blogging and being as consistent with my social media family. I knew that I was in a better place, but I wasn’t ready to just skip all these steps that I knew I needed to take in order to make sure I was mentally able to be genuine with my supporters. And taking time off from blogging and posting not only helped me focus on myself without feeling guilty or feeling that I’m “faking it to make it.” Taking that time off helped me get to that happy place that I thought I was in before. The sun shines brighter, the air is crisper, my recipes taste better, and my impromptu dance parties are AMAZING. 🙂 I just needed that time to really come to terms with everything that was happening, feel that hurt, and handle it accordingly. Now, I really am in a place where everything I do is genuine. I’m excited about life. I’m excited about work. I’m just….EXCITED!!!
Before I go, I want to say this, there was never any shortage of people willing to be there for me while I was going through this tough time. But sometimes you don’t want to hear your family and friends tell you how great you are, how beautiful you are, how lucky anyone would be to have you. All of that only makes you feel worst some times. Like pouring salt on an open wound. We are already telling ourselves that in our head, but we’re also going back and making excuses for the other person at the same time 🙁
I’d like to say that even though I chose to move doesn’t mean that I have any ill feelings towards him. My entire adult life I was there helping you become the person I knew he’d be when we first met at the fresh age of 18. Ten years is a long time, and I’ve grown so much myself. I accept the fact that he was toxic and no good for me. I accept the fact that my feelings for him where never met when it came to me. But I will not be cliche and say that I wish him well in life and everything like that, because I don’t. The truth is, I’m just choosing not to let anything associated with him take up any more of my life; and to sit and wish him well and pretend that everything is fine, wouldn’t be fair to me or the work and progress that I’ve worked so hard to achieve. It’s about me now, and Tiny wants to be carefree and enjoying life. Not playing a game where I’m worrying about whether or not someone else’s conscious decisions are intentionally meant to hurt me, or if I’m just not worth it.
Taking time for yourself is beyond important, it’s essential. Not just with breakups, crushes, etc. It’s essential in order for you to live a satisfying and productive life. When your brain is down, it sends texts to the rest of your body that they all need to unite and start breaking down in order to get you to stop and pay attention to yourself. Okay, maybe they don’t send texts; but eventually you will start to feel your body changing, and you will have no other choice but to face reality.Once you are mentally healthy then you can go out and be the change that you want to be in the world. Just like taking care of yourself while working out, eating right, exercising, etc. If no one has ever told you, then I’d like to take the time to tell you now….
You are worth it. You are wonderful. You are appreciated. I don’t blame you for wanted to detach for awhile and take care of yourself. I will wait for you to come back. Your physical and mental health are more important than anything else. I don’t want to lose you….you are loved…
Much love and encouragement,
You are not alone, there is help:
Abuse if never okay: